Spiralling…

Sooo, I finally feel ready to open up about the last few weeks. I decided to take a Summer break and at that time I hadn’t really realised I was getting incredibly depressed again as it started differently this time, but I’ve been really bad for the last month which is why I haven’t been blogging.

I’m just going to let myself type and let everything come out…

Normally I can kind of sense when I’m spiralling into a deep depression, it feels as it a dark cloud encompasses me and it’s all consuming. It’s hard to describe. Depression causes a lot of confusion. Some people are misguided and think it’s just being sad. It’s frustrating for people who actually suffer from depression to be told to just “cheer up”. We can’t.

I can’t explain why I feel so sad and tearful and believe me if I could just have a doughnut and a cup of coffee and feel better, I would.

This time I didn’t sense it coming at all. I didn’t feel particularly sad or tearful, but I found that I literally couldn’t do anything. I was just existing and I felt so negative. Normally I can recognise the negative thoughts and feelings. I get very emotional and sad, but it was different this time.

I was drifting and feeling lost, I spiralled into a dark place, I couldn’t bake, look at anything to do with baking/recipes, I couldn’t blog, photograph. I found it hard to even think clearly. I’ve been pretty reclusive these past few weeks. Just about getting myself up and dressed, but then just spending the day on the sofa, trying to watch TV, but it ending up just being background noise. And I slept. A lot. I had no energy.

I’ve felt completely worthless and inadequate. Nothing gave me pleasure. I tried to read so that I could get lost in the book and not have to think about my own problems. I found that it helped slightly.

One thing which makes me feel 100% worse is guilt.

From the outside, I probably look like I have everything. And I suppose I do, I have a great family, boyfriend and fabulously supportive friends. I don’t have to stress about money, I want for nothing, we’re not struggling and I should feel so grateful for all of that. Most of the time I do, I appreciate how lucky I am everyday when I read things in the news about people struggling to put food on the table, but when I’m severely depressed I don’t think about that stuff so much, it’s like I’m the only person in the world and I’m consumed by my dark thoughts. Then suddenly a wave of guilt will come over me and I’ll just start crying because I feel guilty about being depressed, even though I know I can’t help the fact I suffer from depression. Depression makes me feel very selfish.

It’s such a vicious circle and it’s draining. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. I know plenty of people with mental health issues and I know some people suffer in silence. By opening up here, maybe I can help just one person realise that they’re not alone and that there is help out there.

I have a very good Doctor and I’m on the right anti-depressants. Sometimes my dosage needs to be adjusted, but mostly I’m a lot better nowadays. These past few weeks have been the first time in about a year that I’ve had a severe episode and felt so awful, which is such an improvement on the past.

In the last few days, I’ve finally felt a little hope. It feels like the fog is lifting. The other day I suddenly had the urge to organise things and I cleared through all the cupboards in the kitchen. I know it seems trivial, but for me it was important as I actually wanted to do something. Then I picked up my recipe book for the first time in a month and felt inspired enough to write a new recipe.

Today, I made something for the first time in a long while. It felt good to be back in the kitchen. I finally feel like I’m coming out of my depression. I’m starting to feel more like myself again.

Depression is treatable and controllable but I do have to accept I will feel like this sometimes. There’s no magic cure, but I take my medication regularly and talk about it. It’s a long process, but now I’m feeling more positive, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I just have to hope that I feel good for a long while now. I’m still feeling incredibly anxious about going back to Uni, but I’m going to try and enjoy my last few weeks off.

If anyone reading this is suffering in silence then please talk to someone. It was the best decision I made when I first told someone how I was really feeling. You aren’t a weak person because you’re feeling like this and you can’t just “pull yourself together”. There are so many people and things which can help nowadays.

I don’t quite feel up to blogging regularly again, but I hope that I will in the next few weeks. It’s definitely a start that I’ve even baked something. The next step is to photograph it. I hope I can continue to improve and be back to sharing recipes with you guys soon.

If any of you want to talk about depression or just talk to someone who understands, then you can email me: annie [at] anniesnoms [dot] com

Thank you for all of your support. I love and appreciate every one of my readers.

xx

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